Identity reprint

August 1st, 2011

After my MA, I realized that the constant thread through much of my fine art and through the projects for my MA was a concept of identity and community. My tethers to different communities have faded and others become strong bonds. My definition of family has shifted and grown to include a multitude of people who joined my nucleus by choice.

Last year when my Mother died, I knew that I was not dealing with her exit at all. I joked about “winning” the Mexican standoff with her (she wasn’t going to die before I got married, and I was not about to get married again until she died). I knew that with the other factors in my life, I was just not addressing any feelings about the matter.

My friend Bonnie had said firmly “It’s OK, we’ll deal with it when it comes up.”

Little did I know that it would be Bonnie’s sudden and tragic death that brought all those feelings up to the surface and spewing out. The volcano of repressed pain, grief, anger, loss, loneliness, and disappointment all exploded out of me in a huge, painful rush.

Believe me, that was a lot of molten refuse to expend. Even in this sadness, I was quite aware that I was given the gift of being healed.

As I look at one of my last paintings, begun before her accident, I was trying to record some of the feelings and heal the scars left by my childhood. Often I can paint my “monsters” and they don’t bother me any more, but that one painting just held pain. Now, it is nothing. All of that stuff, while still a part of who I am, is no longer the definition of my identity.

I am a very fortunate individual. I am loved by the most amazing circle of friends anyone could have. I have a great idea for a business that one of these friends believes in well enough that she is going to join me. I have even let a man get near enough to me to sort of like me.

What an adventure life is.

I try to remember to tell my friends I love them. I was fortunate that I had thanked Bonnie and my few other closest friends in the UK, at a dinner party, for all that they had done in getting me through last year.

So, hug your friends, kiss them and tell you that you love them.